May 29, 2009

When someone dies it is a loss, you never really know what you held of them or how they made your life until that thread is taken. I cannot tell you my feelings but I must try, for there was no map for me in this darkest of places and I must thread there. I pray you never do.

She was young and removed from me, I had given up the hope of raising her and teaching her the simple things of life in respect for her adopted family and her own sense of self. I left word of compliance and support often enough to be heard. I had to leave it at that, she was precious, I could tell.

I often told the story of my grief of letting her go but the hope of her experiencing a better life than we could offer her. I still believe that was true.

Know this: she died in a particularly terrible way and I went there to see that place. I had to because someone had to tell those spirits that they were loved and must go now. It was too fast to understand but too slow to change and she outlived both of them in that terrible event.

I cried for them, I cried for her, I cried for him who brought this fate to be. If I think my soul is in torment, I see the truth for him. Even though I tell him he must let go and return to his grandparents, it only serves to pin him closer to his pain. He will get there when he can learn but I, well, I don't care if it takes a while.

Her face, all pancake makeup, was serene at the viewing. I cried again, for those children who could have had more. As I learned from the stories, they were good kids, loved by their community, happy. Still I wonder if I could have done more. There is a guilt that, though I know I did what was clear at the time, I failed her.

I will try to leverage those wounds to benefit you, it is all I can do. He took half my future and much of my hopes and dreams. I never thought that I could be this mad at another human, not even Cortez or Bush, but I am. I would rend him bone from bone if I could. I am empty for the loss of a daughter and hope. I am enflamed at the savagery and chill of this insult.

There is a belief that those who come with the most powerful lessons and stongest medicine often leave very early, having finished their work quickly. I only stand in shock and pray that it is true.

Web Posting of Gumm Family murder/suicide

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